my shortcut to happiness

the days are few and far between

when I long for the simplicity

that comes with a life

that is not my own

a life where I do not have to

shackle myself to the confines of society

artfully come out during every introduction

quell my fears every time I wear heels

my queerness

my shortcut to happiness

through meadows of expectations

and the dark forests of pain

but when those days do come

a sadness washes over me

gradually like the tide

slowly creeping up unnoticed

my lungs filling completely

with the disappointment of others

till I can no longer breathe

for myself, for my life, for my loves

a feeling so big, so overwhelming

I can only chip away slowly and in pieces

with a hammer built through years of bravery

and friends lending strength for each swing

there is no course but to chip away

at the marble of sadness encasing my heart

the sadness that the life i’ve made

will never be understood by some that love me

the big, beautiful life I live

with so much queerness

with so much love and joy

could somehow be frightening

but I’d rather live in sadness and with pride

than cower in fear for the rest of my life

than diminish the flames of my joy

to not terrify my past with the radiance of my future